So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
