thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
