he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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