My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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