I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
so much tequila, so little girl.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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