at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
