She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize