How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
