not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
