I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
