I didn't shave. On purpose
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
