I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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