i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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