My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
