Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We named our party play list daddy issues
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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