We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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