i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i love accidental penises.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
