Four minutes until I can fart!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize