I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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