If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
