ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
