btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
