***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
