Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
