Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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