why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
