tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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