I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
