You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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