Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
