I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
