I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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