rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
