what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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