got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
