I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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