you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
