mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
