I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
