You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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