Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
