Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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