we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
