If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
