Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
