Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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