No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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