you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
