my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
