When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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