Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
