can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
