when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
