I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
