my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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