My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
