toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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