ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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