smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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