I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
