I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
