he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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