I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
